How to share healthy parenting with a narcissist navigates the emotional and often frustrating aspect of co-parenting with someone with a narcissist personality disorder.
A narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their importance. Narcissists seek too much attention and desire admiration from people. And they cannot often understand or care about the feelings of others.
The reality is that a relationship needs empathy and understanding particularly when it involves parenting. However, when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist who lacks empathy, is selfish, manipulative, and exploitative, and expects to be treated as a superior; sharing parenthood becomes challenging and potentially volatile.
How Healthy Is Your Relationship?
Signs Of Narcissism From A Parenting Partner
If your parenting partner is a narcissist, they may disregard, ignore, or test your boundaries. Or their parenting may be less organized, and lack empathy or respect. Narcissists get angry easily when you criticize and it can be difficult to compromise because of their sense of superiority. Besides narcissists also like taking advantage of others, desiring an unnecessary amount of admiration, and having an entitlement mentality. In the end, all this negativity can be exhausting.
Actions To Take If Your Parenting Partner Is A narcissist
Admit it. If your parenting partner is a narcissist, they probably won’t change. “You have to wrap your head around the fact that you’ll have to co-parent with somebody that you just might not like,” says Cat Blake, a child and family therapist working as a certified divorce coach in Boston.
Establish boundaries. Be clear and specific. Draw the line on what’s OK and what’s not. Don’t let them cross it. Narcissists like control and will strive for it.
Structure a healthy parenting suggestion. Agree on how to drop off and pick up kids and how to handle after-school activities, vacation, and discipline. Agree about how you’ll dialogue and how frequently. Put the suggestions in writing, endorse them formally, and stand by them.
Reduce conversation. Your parenting partner may try to get your attention by initiating a discussion that can lead to arguments. They may suddenly tell you about something they need an answer for immediately. Instead, use email, so you have a chance to think before you answer.
Be composed. When your partner lashes out or makes you angry, try to stay calm. Don’t indulge in blame games or abuses. Use definite language, no sentimental words, firm body language, and speech.
Have a positive viewpoint. Avoid taking personal attacks to heart. Be aware of the fact that what they say is more about them than you.
Things To Avoid If Your Parenting Partner Is A Narcissist
Avoid An argument. Narcissists make it hard to win an argument. They often talk in circles to confuse and overwhelm you. Keep your answers clear and short, without emotion. Don’t explain yourself or give too much information. This is also called the “grey rock method.”
Remove fear from any encounter. “They thrive on fear,” Blake says. “Narcissists are so easy when you realize what makes them tick. They only want attention and kudos.” Acknowledge when they do something well. But stick with your boundaries.
Resist being in total control. “As long as you do your job, try to let go a bit of what the narcissist is doing in parenting,” Blake says. That’s assuming that your child is physically, mentally, and emotionally safe, of course.
Don’t involve your kids. Your child’s health and best interests are priorities. So keep them away from any conflict between parents.
Tips On How To Protect Kids
It may be difficult to protect your kids from a parenting partner with a narcissistic personality disorder, especially when you’re absent, but it is important to focus on what you can control.
Have a heart-to-heart discussion with your child. Assist them to understand their other parent’s behavior. Keep these discussions age-related. And explain to your child that their parent’s behavior is about that parent, not them.
Be careful about what you say. Avoid saying negative things about your parenting partner. This can turn your child against you, and they might feel obligated to pick sides. This tip also includes your nonverbal communication and things your child might overhear you saying to friends or family.
Look out for signs of abuse. Look for anything that crosses the line into physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.
Be a healthy parent. Be a good role model for your child. Coach and support them. The solution to your partner’s narcissism is acceptance, cordiality, realistic assessment, and reliability.
